tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central April 23, 2014 6:59pm-7:31pm PDT
(laughter) and my guest, columnist george will, has a new book celebrating wrigley fields' 100th birthday and the chicago cubs' 20th win. (laughter) the vatican library is digitizing its archives. so the next dan brown novel will just be robert langdon alone with an ipad. this is the colbert report! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: hey! welcome to the show, everybody! thank you for coming! (audience chanting "stephen " )
(cheers and applause) thank you! welcome to the show! folks, there are a lot of things i warned you about over the years. there are so many things to be afraid of. nation, i've warned you the gays are hellbent on rubbing our noses in their lifestyle. the nose-rubbing, of course, very big in the gay eskimo community. well, look out, because the gays just infiltrated another beloved institution. >> the us postal service unveiled its artwork for a commemorative stamp honoring harvey milk, the first openly gay elected officials on a stamp. >> stephen: a gay man on a stamp? anger! and they used such an unflattering picture. jimmy, can you fix that? that's much better.
that's a good looking guy! (cheers and applause) folks, appearing on a u.s. postage stamp is a prestigious honor traditionally reserved for our greatest presidents and regional songbirds. and they didn't pick just any gay politician, like rutherford b. hayes. oh, methinks he doth beard too much. no, they went with san francisco's harvey milk. suddenly, if i want to mail something, i have to lick this guy's backside? no! no! worse, if it's self-adhesive, now i'm licking his front?! 'cuz make no mistake, if it's mail, i'm lickin' something! i'll say it again -- anger! oh, hi! i was just about to make myself
one of my world famous britos. i start with a hand-pressed flour torilla, and then i fill it with a microwave burrito. this tortilla was made by mission foods whose tortilla factory is located in the 76th installment of my 434-part series... better know a district! tonight: california's 29th, the fightin' 29th! the 29th is nestled in california's san fernando valley and also contains parts of los angeles. the district's median age is 32.6, but it tells casting directors that it just turned 26.3. the region was originally home to a native american tribe known as the tataviam, or "people facing the sun". which is why they were always so easy to beat at tennis. in the late 18th century, spanish explorers were drawn to
the region by the promise of sunshine, warm weather, and easy access to the 405 freeway. some of them are still stuck in traffic. in the 1840s, the region expierenced a brief gold rush, leading the first san fernando. valley prospectors to say: (valley girl accent...) "uh ma god, look at this gold, it's, like, totally golden." gold! the 29th is home to the clothing brand juicy couture, who are known both for their velour tracksuits and their charity work. teaching teen-aged boys to read. the district is home to 46 porn studios, including "pink visual," famous for such titles as "bubble butts galore" and "asian slut invasion, volume 3." i know, another sequel. when is hollywood going to come up with an original slut invasion idea? so who has the tortillas grandes to represent the 29th?
why, it's none other than democratic representative tony cardenas, whose porn name, by the way, is london rubbintug. i sat down with mr. cardenas in his congress. jim? congressman, thanks so much for talking to me today. >> thanks for having me. fell me about the fightin' 29th. >> great place, hard working folks, big manufacturing community. been living there all my life and a representative for 18 years now. >> there is a lot of porn movies made in your district. what neighborhood specifically should i not buy a couch from? >> wouldn't be a good idea in any neighborhood. >> you're mexican-american, correct? >> yeah. >> stephen: you sponsored a resolution recognizing hispanic heritage month. >> yes. >> stephen: why a whole month? because there's a lot to talk about. >> stephen: you have cinco de mayo and every tuesday. >> that's a different thing.
>> stephen: i don't get it. white irish catholic month? we applied for february and they gave it to the black guys. one day. we get one day and you get a whole month. >> maybe they're not happy with what you said. >> stephen: like i respectfully disagree with you? >> yes. >> stephen: i understand you're the youngest of 11 children. >> i am. >> stephen: can you say your brothers and sisters fast and see who can say them faster? ready, one, two, three, go! (naming siblings at the same time) (laughter) >> stephen: here's the thing. you tier youngest of 11, i'm the youngest of 11. but the 11 kids in my family are old timey irish, whereas the 11
children in your family -- and i do not mean this in any way but the best way possible -- are kind of scary going to take over the countryish. do you know what i mean? >> not evennish. >> stephen: can you meet me halfway and tell me why you're scared? >> no. >> stephen: meet me halfway and say it. >> no. >> stephen: you don't want people to use the word illegals. do you want them to be called usurpers, not legals -- if you say they are illegal, you mean they are illegal them. you could also not have a driver's license and still be "legal." do you understand? >> yeah. if you don't have a driver's license and you're legal you're still illegal. it's more accurate that way. >> but illegal gives, in my
opinion, the wrong connotation. >> stephen: what connotation do you think? >> they that they're illegal. >> stephen: doing things wrong? they're in the united states illegally. that's illegal. illegal -- (pronouncing in accent) was it legal for them to come here? >> no. >> stephen: so they are ill -- finish the sentence -- illegal. they're undocumented? >> they lived in a place where maybe they were starving or couldn't take care of their family. >> stephen: okay, let's move on. you're going to kick chicken from china out of school children's lunches. we don't need your kind here! you're taking job away from american chickens! do you see how hypocritical you are? >> no, i think it's consistent. >> stephen: how do you identify a chicken as being chinese? they all loo look alike.
>> they label them and tell us where they got them from. >> stephen: so you're for putting labels on people based on where they're from? >> on food, yes. >> stephen: first we're feeding the poor kids, now it has to be uncontaminated food. where does the entitle meant bag end? >> it's important wherever food people eat they know where it came from and it's safe. >> stephen: when did the safety net become hammocked, congressman? let's go back to something you were talking about before. what do they make of 29t 29th other than high-quality porn? (doorbell) (laughter) >> stephen: delivery? congressman? did you order mexican? >> no. >> stephen: well, then, i guess i'll just let him give it to me.
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when earth day is over, i'll release it back into the wild. i feel especially close to mother earth on this earth day, because we finally have proof our planet doesn't like liberals any more than i do. the greenies are not going to like today. a federal study is out, and it shows costly bio-fuel made from corn is actually worse for the environment in the short term than straight-up gasoline. looks like ethanol may not be as green as everyone thought. ethanol made from corn residue may actually be more harmful to the environment. ha! ha! harmful to the environment. trying is pointless! you see, according to the first environmental study, that i've enjoyed reading, making ethanol by removing corn leftovers from the fields could actually hurt the ability of soil to absorb carbon
dioxide. and absorbing co2 is crucial to our planet's health, because there's a 'ton' of it in the air for some reason. this study is the final nail in green energy's biodegradable coffin. turns out, everything you thought was good for the environment is bad. we already know wind power separates migrating geese into bird pepperoni. so it's only a matter of time before we learn that solar power relies on clubbing baby seals, because those shiny panels are made from the gleam in their eyes. it's time to forget about green energy and double down on black energy. this is the earth day when we take our planet back from the environmentalists. forget planting trees or picking up litter. we should all celebrate like fox news host eric bolling. jim? >> it's an annual event. in my household, we open all the windows and turn up the heat or the air conditioning, whichever is the opposite of whatever the temperature is outside and i. spark up the 90,000 btu barbecue and cook some steaks. >> way to stick it to the greenies, eric!
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest is pulitzer prize winning columnist george will! (cheers and applause) george! good to see you again! thanks so much for coming back! nice to have you on the show. of course, there are a few people out there who do not know you're a pulitzer prize winning columnist, published over 500 newspapers worldwide. you're a fox news contributor
now. how do you like it? >> love it. >> stephen: you worked abc for years, now fox news. what's the difference? >> fox news is like getting on a southwest airlines plane. everybody's happy, at the top of the heap and feel like insurgents. >> stephen: wow. that's great. sounds almost dangerous (laughter) you have a new book called a nice little place on the north side, wrigley field at 100. why write a book about wrigley field? you're a cubs fan. >> yes. >> stephen: do you love the cubs or is it sort of an abusive relationship wher you can't get yourself out of right now? >> i'm afraid if i stop, they'll start winning. >> stephen: oh, like the cubs are a slot machine that you've warmed up. >> exactly. >> stephen: for 106 years. they've got to pay off eventually. >> turns out they don't. they don't have to. >> stephen: for the people out
there who have not been at wrigley field, i used to live on addison at broadway and it's beautiful. what do you love about wrigley field? >> the sheer age of it. when it opened 100 years ago on april 23rd, 1914, we know that there had to be civil war veterans in the sand. people at gettysburg, shiloh, chancellorsville -- >> stephen: why do we know they had to be there? >> it was a requirement. >> stephen: for opening game? right. >> stephen: like bat day or quarter of beer, it's take a civil war veteran home day? >> exactly right. >> stephen: so the age of it is great. i love things that are old. i'm conservative, you're conservative. i don't think anything should ever change. do you think that wrigley field -- >> that makes you a liberal. >> stephen: that nothing should change? >> yes. >> stephen: i didn't realize that. conservatives want to conserve things. i know you're a word smith -- but why do want liberals things
to stay the same? >> in 1935, social security -- do you drive a 1935 car? >> stephen: no, i drive a tesla. >> i'm sure you do. >> stephen: yeah, i do. do you watch a 1935 television set? >> stephen: no, a 1935 television set, i think was a potato field. >> the social security liberals believe things should have gone just as it always has. >> stephen: so we should get rid of social security? >> no. >> stephen: i should. am i more of a conservative than you are? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. i was trying to lead you into a field where old people would shoot you in the head. what is it -- when was the last time you went to a game there? >> two weeks ago. >> stephen: did they win? not exactly. >> stephen: really? how close to winning did they come? >> they scored. >> stephen: they scored? oh, that's really good. i love it there. >> 18 innings in yankee stadium
a week ago and didn't score. >> stephen: do you think wrigley field, it's such a lovely place to be. you have the hand-lettered scoreboard, the ivy-colored walls, you've got clark street -- do you think if it wasn't so nice that the cubs would win more? >> it is the case that p.k. wrigley, the son of the wrigley after whom the ballpark is named, decided when he inherited the team, the team is terrible, the ballpark is beautiful, let's get people come to see the ballpark. the grass will be so green and the ivy so lush and the sunshine so warm and the beer so cold people won't care what the scoreboard says. and for a while they did that. >> stephen: and people care now? >> they care now. >> stephen: are people not going to games at wrigley field anymore? >> oh, they're going. >> stephen: what is the problem, george? >> the problem -- >> stephen: what is the
problem? sounds like it's a nice place to go and spend an afternoon because it's always been about going and getting drunk and occasionally a baseball game happens there. it's been since 1908 since they won the world series. you don't go there to watch baseball. you go there to meet friends. >> 1908 is two years before tolstoy died. >> stephen: was tolstoy a white sox fan? i don't understand (laughter) >> you can meet very interesting people at wrigley field. they had a vendor there who tried to cheat the fans. his name was jack rubinstein. moved to dallas, changed his name to jack ruby and shot lee harvey oswald. >> stephen: wait a second -- if the cubs had been a better team and given more business to jack rubinstein, we'd know who shot kennedy? >> we snow who shot kennedy. >> stephen: wake up!
come on, george! you buy that single bullet theory? >> i do. >> stephen: we just got from wrigley field to the kennedy assassination. atthat's a "the colbert report" promise. >> the cubs won the cold war. >> stephen: if you can prove the cubs won the cold war, i'll personally endorse this book. right now. it could happen. >> in 1919 william wrigley bought catalina off southern california. the cubs began to train there. in '37 a des moines, iowa broadcaster known as dutch reagan decided he would cover spring training for his radio station. took a movie test with warner brothers, became an actor, became president of the united states and won the cold war. therefore, the cubs get credit for winning the cold war. (cheering)
>> stephen: by that same logic, did not the chicago cubs also sell arms to iran? (laughter) george will, i personally endorse a nice little place on ♪ [ dog barks ] ♪ [ male announcer ] imagine the cars we drive... being able to see so clearly... to respond so intelligently and so quickly, they can help protect us from a world of unseen danger. it's the stuff of science fiction... minus the fiction. and it is mercedes-benz... today. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers hey there can i help you? shhhhhh
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but did you really need a limo? it's not for me, it's for these heels. i'll call you when i get home. (cell phone rings) hi alison. i'm home. yeah, i can see you. thanks again! great party! no matter how you get there, smirnoff reminds you to get home safely. woo! a professional basketball player's best friend? basketball players ride the team bus. but this guy? carte blanche to a variety of late model sports vehicles and there is no end to the financial spoils that come from both friendship and eastern european verticality. hi-fi entertainment systems, stemware, and purebred animals. all the benefits of fortune none of the nagging ramifications of fame. meaning he can dine on the liquid gold of velveeta shells & cheese at any time of his choosing. liquid gold. eat like that guy you know.
salesgets up to 795 highwayal is the passamiles per tank.sel liquid gold. salesperson #2: actually, we're throwing in a $1,000 fuel reward card. we've never done that. that's why there's never been a better time to buy a passat tdi clean diesel. husband: so it's like two deals in one? salesperson #2: exactly. avo: during the first ever volkswagen tdi clean diesel event, get a great deal on a passat tdi, that gets up to 795 highway miles per tank. and get a $1,000 fuel reward card. it's like two deals in one. hurry in and get a $1,000 fuel reward card and 0.9% apr for 60 months on tdi models. >> stephen: that's the report, everybody! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> april 22nd. 2014.from comedy central's world view in new york. this is the daily show with jon
stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheering ] >> welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. nice. tonight we got our selves a humdinger on the program. a senator from massachusetts, elizabeth warren, is going to be joining us. it is but we begin tonight right away. s with breaking news from chelsea clinton's uterus. >> mark and i very excited that we have our first child arriving later this year. >> they've got a child arriving, how did they pull that off? really, that's how it happened? i mean, if that's how it happens, i should have six kids! oh really, not every time?